Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
