You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
