I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
