He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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