My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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