i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
