Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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