end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
