I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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