he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Terrible idea I love it
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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