I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
