Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
