you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
