Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
