Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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