six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
