i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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