I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i drank out of a bidet.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
