Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
