he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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