Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
