He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
