That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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