no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
