yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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