you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
