my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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