At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
