Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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