Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
