i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
