everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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