last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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