I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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