So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize