just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I want to fling myself into the sun
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
