My sheets look like a crime scene.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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