I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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