Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
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