she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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