I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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