I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
