Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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