Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
