I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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