Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
