can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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