Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
