I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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