That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
