I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
