What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize