I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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