My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
