Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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