is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
